How To Interact With Your Wife

Dear Brothers and Sisters in Islam,

We hope this meets you in the best state of Iman (faith) and hafiyyah (sound health).

Praise be to Allaah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala), The Lord of the Worlds, and peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings Be Upon Him), the Seal of the Prophets and Chief of the Messengers, and upon all his family and companions.

The category of man interaction with his wife.

Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) has obligated upon the man similar to that which He has obligated upon the woman. Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) said:

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them (al-Baqarah 2:228)

Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) has made the rights of the man primary, but He has given the woman rights just has He has given the man rights. Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) said in this verse:

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable.

The Prophet (Salallaahu `alayhi wa sallam) gave many advices concerning the women.

There are some people who marry and they do not learn the regulations concerning social interactions with the wife. How should he talk to her? How should he request from her? What are the obligations that the wife must perform?

On the contrary, he only interacts with her based upon his sheer desires. He treats her according to his wishes and sometimes based upon his manhood and based upon his strength. And he does not do that which is Islamic binding upon him. He does not learn the legislated regulations concerning social interaction and dealing with the wife.

And how beautiful is the statement of Ibn Abbass (Radi Allahu anhu) concerning this verse! He said concerning the statement of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala):

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable.

He said: 'Verily I do not like to demand all of my rights from my wife such that it will become obligatory upon me to give her all of her rights that she requests from me.

And also he used to order with beautification; meaning the man beautifying himself for his wife.

He said:

"And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable.

Therefore if the man requests that his wife beautify herself for him, and that she remove any foul odor and that she is beautified when with him; then likewise it is obligatory upon him to interact with her with that which Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) has made obligatory.

Look at the condition of the Prophet (Salallaahu `alayhi wa sallam) with his wives when they request maintenance from him. He said to them kind gentle words that preoccupied for a period of time until Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) reveal verses concerning this in Soorah Al Ahzab.

In many instances the man's interaction with his wife is according to desires and according to the desires of manhood.

But some of the people are diligent upon interacting with their family according to the appropriate legislation, and this is what is obligatory so this is what we wanted to point out because this is a type of interaction that many people are void of.

On the other extreme as it relates to interacting with the wives, some people believe that good interaction is to give his wife free rein. And he fulfills every desire that the woman has without looking to see if that which she requested is permissible or impermissible, and without looking to see if it is something she has a right to do or not. It is something that will be good for her or is it something that will not be good for her? Is there a benefit for her it that or not?

(The men) are negligent in this affair to the extent that the women conduct themselves freeing like they are the men.

No doubt that these are two images on opposite sides of the spectrum.

The one who is harsh and cruel, The one who gives his wife free rein and it is as though his wife has become the man.And the resolution for that, rather the balance and the guidelines are for the person to strive to be with his wife according to the guidelines of the legislation.

Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) ordered that the women should be given their rights; likewise He ordered that the man should be given their rights. And the Prophet (Salallaahu `alayhi wa sallam), from the final advices he gave during his life, was advice concerning the rights of the women.

During his sermon on the day of Arafat, during his tremendous sermon which he bided farewell to the people he said: 'Be kind to the women because verily they are in your trust.' Meaning like captives

But this does not mean that he leaves the affairs up to her to do however she wants, and it does not mean that the person is negligent concerning the commands of Allah; rather he should be in accordance with that which Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) wants.

The man requests things from his wife but it is befitting that his interactions with his wife be in accordance with the statement of Ibn Abbass (Radi Allahu anhu).

He said I do not like to demand all of my rights from my wife such that it will become obligatory upon me to give her all of her rights that she requests from me.

On the other hand, there is the interaction of the wife with her husband. Allah has given the man a degree over the woman. He said:

But men have a degree (of responsibility) over them (al-Baqarah 2:228)

Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) gave man a preference based upon him providing maintenance. Thus He gave him preference in that which is specific to the man; thus man is the one responsible for providing maintenance and he is responsible for commanding the good and forbidding the wrong.

And it is upon the wife to obey the husband in that which is obedience to Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala), she should obey him in that which is correct and she should not disobey him.

Such that no one he hates should enter his home and she should not leave his home unless he is in agreement. And if the wife preserves the husband's rights upon her then she has performed her obligations.

And it appears in an authentic narration: "If the woman prays her five daily prayers, and fast (the month of Ramadan) and obey her husband, then it will be said to her, 'enter paradise from any door you choose.'"

And there is no doubt the it is a requirement for the woman to obey her husband and it is an obligation upon her as it relates to her interaction with her husband that she is obedient and pleased and she should be the one who concedes and yields. And she should not make the man the one who submits to her, and the one who is submissive to her, because in this action there is corruption.

And the judges have spoken about the affair of the husband obeying his wife and what occurs when some of the women rule their husbands. The end result is that the woman is not content with her husband, the one who obeys her, and has some good interactions with her; rather she makes him obey her in everything that she desires. Thus the end result is that she hates him, because the woman by her nature needs someone who will take care of her. So if the man takes responsibility for her and interacts with her according to the commands of Allah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) then both of them will have a good result.

Allaah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) knows best and may Allaah (Subhanahu wa ta'ala) reward you with good.

Aameen